Sexting: The New Mistress/Mandingo?

By El Che

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Author: Donnie Boyd

Her instant messenger bings. His cell phone buzzes. Not only has technology increased the amount of information we can receive, it has transformed relationships. The old mistress required the womanizer to create elaborate excuses with the most popular being “I have to work late.” The old Mandingo had to tip toe in the door during the wee hours of the night and leave before sunrise. Modern infidelity, although a bit more elusive, is easier to pursue and maintain. Some argue that it decreases the likelihood of physical cheating, while others believe that it is just as harmful and more intrusive than physical cheating.

Physical cheating has always been a problem in relationships. Even the 10 commandments argues that “Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor’s wife.” STD and AIDS infections have reached record highs (especially in the African American community), and much of that is due to dishonesty about sexual habits and partners. Advocates for “sexting,” argue that it is safe and prevents the transmission of STDs because there is no physical contact. There are also those who believe that monogamy is an unnatural and unrealistic expectation for relationships. “Sexting,” allows those individuals to live socially “normal” lives while indulging their desires privately. Finally, many individuals do not want to be labeled sexual deviants, and are afraid to approach their partners about sexual inadequacies or sexual parameters. Rather than beg a conservative partner to try something new, it’s easier to experience those repressed impulses with a stranger (or with an internet/text sex partner) without the emotional baggage of guilt, regret or embarrassment.

The most important aspect of any relationship, but especially romantic ones is open and honest communication. If sexting is the way that you are avoiding a serious conversation with your partner about intimate satisfaction, then you’re literally creating a ticking time bomb. Sexual frustration often seeps into other areas of the relationship and before you know it, you’re arguing about the way your partner “looked” at you. We often assume the worse, so before dipping off with your e-hoe, express your fantasies to your partner. Gently (and carefully) guide him or her through the sexual experience so they can know how to please you. Everyone is different, and they may not know your “triggers.” We all have sexual boundaries, and you want to be sure that both you and your partner have similar ones. If you’re the “choke me/spank me” type, you may have a problem with your strictly traditional male-on top missionary man/woman, but you owe it to your partner and your relationship to at least have the conversation.

Finally, if you’re going to be a sexter, be sure to follow etiquette. Don’t allow your sext partners to impose on your relationship and don’t allow them 24 hour access.  Have an invite only policy where you initiate the encounter only. Be honest with your partner if confronted about it. Help them understand why you’re doing it. It may lead to a breakthrough in your relationship. Most of all be careful, especially with sexting people you know in real life. It may come back to haunt you later after someone starts copping feelings. Be sure to set the boundaries and standards early. It’s easy to indulge in conversations about work, goals, and even your partner. To me, that is where the line is crossed because then you are emotionally involved (arguably romantically involved) with another person and you ARE cheating on your partner. Especially if they are unaware of the relationship and certainly if you know the person in real life. Finally, you should always make sure that your significant other is getting everything that you’re giving to your sext partner(s). So send him/her some sexts too!

Donnie Boyd is a High School English Teacher and she’s also Rhymefest’s personal assistant. You can find her on twitter – @engteacher. She is our resident relationship guru and will be writing a weekly blog entry about relationships. She wants to interact with you so please be sure to leave comments!

Filed in: Uncategorized • Wednesday, September 2nd, 2009

Comments

Your words, echoed, underscored:

“The most important aspect of any relationship, but especially romantic ones is open and honest communication….If you’re the “choke me/spank me” type, you may have a problem with your strictly traditional male-on top missionary man/woman, but you owe it to your partner and your relationship to at least have the conversation.”

AMEN!
Thanks, Donnie! Kudos for the blog!

Bravo!

“There are also those who believe that monogamy is an unnatural and unrealistic expectation for relationships. “Sexting,” allows those individuals to live socially “normal” lives while indulging their desires privately.”

I use to agree with this until one of my partner’s many “sexters” turned up at my door pregnant. Now I realize that “sexting” is a gateway to “sexing” those you meet on social networks. I too met my partner on a social network.

Although, at first our relationship was on a business level, we began to “indulged in conversations about work, goals, and even his partner/fiancée” who he was living with at the time. We would text/talk at any hour of the day or night. Then we started “sexting”. I guess he could get away with it because he would always say it was work related. His fiancée eventually broke it off. And him and I became a couple. I was happy at first but now I feel that I’m was reaping the wrath of Karma.

After a number of events stemming from his “sexting” we broke up. But I’m glad I let him go because he is someone else’s problem now. Today, I’m with someone that treats me like a queen and would never allow me to feel or think I was incapable of fulfilling his needs or desires.

As far as those people in relationships with those “who believe that monogamy is an unnatural and unrealistic expectation”. I say to them:

“you should seek help because not only are you doubting your self-worth, your partner is trying to brainwash you and chip away at your self-esteem so you will accept “anything” in fear of having nothing. This could spell disaster emotionally and also, mentally and physically.

I agree with Jenna!
Now…about this “sexting”. It is a gateway to the meetup.do not believe anything otherwise.if u chat with someone who is all the things u want sexually in writing. well, ur gonna wanna fuk them. Duh.it is simple…it is natural.I see an ad for a beautiful, haute purse…and if I know I can get it, I will! Damn skippy! Satisfaction my friend!

And as for ur partner treating u equal to their sext partner & sending u sexts too…puhleeze! Get off that boat honey, cuz it’s got a hole in it & it’s sinking! Cheating is cheating. No way around it. And this kind of cheating is actually possibly more dangerous as it poses more of a threat to the so called “partner”. See, if someone is engaging in sexting, then they’re more than likely engaging in convos on other shyt too. This new person is now a confidante as well as a release. I’ve bn that person.I know first hand how powerful that position can become with someone who is not getting what they want at hm.u can not accept this behavior or turn a blind eye to it…writing it off as “playful” or “harmless”. It can take a turn…and when,and if does, the aftermath is like that of a tornado.

Very interesting topic indeed…its a really delicate issue. I would ask why I need to sext if I think I am being fulfilled in my relationship. Love the thought-provoking entry!!

Thanks for all of your comments! Hopefully you guys will come back next week!

“Sexting” can definitely be a gateway to physical contact. Especially if the “sexter” lives in the same city or state. There are many who have “international” sexting relationships, and in that case, it is rare that the encounter will happen in real life.

When it comes to “open relationships,” the verdict is still out for me. I’m honestly more interested in honesty & working through infidelity issues, rather than having a relationship that appears to be monogamous, only to find out that my partner had relationships on the side later, because now not only do we have an issue with infidelity, but we also have an issue with trust and honesty. I may be in the minority, but as a woman I want to know the truth.

There are so many non traditional relationships and I think it is important that we not impose our value systems on others. I once knew a couple that swinged, and although it was something that I chose not to be involved with, they had been happily married for 10 years. When it comes to sexuality, there is a huge spectrum. Some of us are one side of the spectrum, where we believe in traditional monogamous relationships while others are on the opposite end, where they totally indulge in their sexual desires (without being in a committed relationship).

Ultimately, the real issue with “sexting” is communication. It is important to know why the sexting occurs. If someone feels they are not being fulfilled & choose to go elsewhere w/o discussing it with their partner, that’s a problem. If someone feels they do not want to be in a committed relationship at all, that too is a problem. Ultimately, it’s between the individuals involved to find out what the boundaries are for the relationship and to be as honest and open as possible.

Work through infidelities? Are you kidding me? There are too many GOOD men out there for me to “work through infidelities”. If you were married I would agree because there would be more at stake. But NOT in a simple “committed relationship”.

Maybe there was no positive active male in your life while growing up to teach you how a man is suppose to treat a woman or maybe you witnessed your mother being treated wrong (so you feel this is the norm). I hate to say it but you sound like a woman who has either been in a bad relationship or a failed marriage who’s now vulnerable and confused as she tries to rebound.

The sad part is you’re probably a good person who does not know her worth. Therefore, you would settle for anything, including a man that would easily disrespect you and dog you out. With that said, you are probably the type that would share a man with many women and call him your man, or have no problem with being number 2. In fact you may even be the type that would prey on another woman’s man including a friend’s man. You know what? You might not consciously do it. But from your statements you seem like the type that would sit and wait for all the other women to drop off so you would be the only one standing when he’s ready to settle. HOWEVER, I thing you need to pay attention to the word “settling”. Because that’s what he will be doing “settling”.

If a guy tells you he loves you that could be true but the real question is… Is he “in love” with you? He could say yes. But if he is sexting other women then his actions say otherwise. To be blunt about he’s telling you he is not physically attracted to you. It’s not like porn where you’re fantasizing about kinky positions or getting off on watching other people do it. The guy is creating an image in his mind to refer to while he’s having sex with you to keep his jimmy hard.

Also, if a man is sexting women he knows in real life most like he’s all ready banged them. And please don’t sleep on international sexting this is America and everyone is trying to live here or visit just like people are trying to move out or travel outside of this country.

As far as imposing views and opinions on other’s you are absolutely right so please don’t give advice like sexting your partner in addition to sexting your sexters (potential parnters). You’re just opening up for men to think it’s acceptable. And don’t you think women have enough to deal with? ESPECIALLY us sistahs when it comes to some of the warped minds of black men.

I personally would look at what I bring to the table and what he brings to the table and analyze to see if I’m a “need”. If I am only a “need” then I would pull away because true love is when you want a person more than you need them.

Jenna,

At my age, I’ve been through both good and bad relationships, as I’m sure most women (and men) have. This “sexting,” blog was based on the experiences of several people that I know, including male friends. It’s intriguing you assumed that I was talking about my own personal experiences. The purpose of these weekly blogs is not to air my personal experiences or views, it is to raise awareness and spark conversation about issues that affect women and relationships. Thank you for being so active and hopefully you’ll come back next week, so that we can continue to build the El Che Movement!

Donnie,

In your statement;

“Finally, you should always make sure that your significant other is getting everything that you’re giving to your sext partner(s). So send him/her some sexts too!”

I didn’t think you were “airing your personal experiences or views” I felt you were imposing/condoning an unacceptable behavior. Which is shown by the use of the directive – “you should…”

So, when you reply with a statement such as;

“I’m honestly more interested in honesty & working through infidelity issues…” (focusing on “working through infidelity issues”)

You are pretty much telling on yourself. So, you shouldn’t find it “intriguing” that readers would “assume” or make an “educated guess” that you were talking about your own personal experiences. There are some other areas in your post as well that gives insight about the writer (you). But I’m tired of this topic. If, you don’t see them then, that’s on you. Besides I’m just a reader, who am I to show it to you.

If the purpose of your entries “is to raise awareness and spark conversation about issues that affect women and relationships” you’re on the right path. BUT please remember you are a beautiful black woman FIRST! So, even if you personally accept it, don’t degrade us by telling us we “should” also accept behaviors that are substandard from our men. We have been torn down enough.

I hope next week’s entry is better.

Next week’s entry will be about scorned men & women. Should be interesting! Even though you did not like this week’s entry. I appreciate all the time and energy you’ve spent analyzing my words and I look forward to hearing from you next week. Never say you’re “just a reader.” In our movement, everyone has power!

*eating popcorn* HA!

 

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About

Che Smith is a revolutionary artist, writer, and activist. Popularly known as Rhymefest, the South Side Chicago native has been a trailblazer in music, television, and politics.