Let It Burn!

By El Che

thin_line_between_love_and_hate

Author: Donnie Boyd

Perhaps you’ve dated one, befriended one, married one or ran from one. “Scorched” Men and “Scorned” Women, are individuals who have been through such traumatic experiences in relationships that they become bitter, mean-spirited and in some cases a danger to themselves and others.

The Scorched Man

The scorched man is a man who experiences infidelity in a relationship and due to that infidelity he becomes insecure. If the infidelity occurs early in life, he may become a womanizer and commitment-phobic. Rather than dealing with his feelings of insecurity, he becomes controlling and he often alienates and isolates his partner in a relationship. In social situations, he becomes inappropriately angry with his partner receiving any attention. The scorched man is always worried about infidelity, so it is difficult for him to trust, and in an interesting way, he believes that his “womanizing” and “commitment-phobia” is protecting him from the emotional burn that he once experienced.

Childhood experiences may also cause men to become scorched. Young boys whose mothers are promiscuous or who work in the sex industry may look at women as disposable. Young boys who grow up without father figures don’t always know how to treat women. Some scorned men are often attracted to intelligent women with personality and charm and sadistically, they take pleasure in lowering the self-esteem and confidence of strong women. Some scorned men are attracted to docile women because being in control makes them feel better about themselves. You may hear this type of scorned man write off black women for being “too strong” and “too opinionated.”

Scorched Men may also become materialistic as they try to compensate for the area(s) they believe they lack in. This is the guy whose car(s) cost more than his house, or who works an insane amount of hours in the day in order to avoid social encounters. Scorched men often become emotionally, verbally or physically abusive.

The Scorned Woman

The scorned woman is a woman, like the scorched man, who experiences infidelity in a relationship, whose partner leaves her for another woman, or she begins a sexual relationship with a man (and may even get pregnant or “trap” a man), only to find out later that the relationship will never be more than sex. Scorned women are easily recognizable, because they usually become man-haters, and spend much of their time talking about how stupid & ignorant all (or most) men are. She may attack women who are happy in their relationships. It is usually a bad idea to discuss any type of conflict in your relationship with her because she will use that to fuel her own scorn.

Once a scorned woman gets involved in a new relationship, she is incredibly paranoid and may search through cell phones, hack into e-mails or voicemails, and do any and everything in her power to “catch” her man up. She also brings all of the baggage from her previous relationships into the new one rather than looking at new partners with a clean slate. Scorned women often become stalkers, and rather than looking at their flaws (because they usually have a pattern with men leaving or cheating on them), they victimize themselves to their friends and the rest of the world. Most of all, scorned women often attack others, especially those who they believe to be responsible for their failed relationship rather than again, addressing the unhealthy behavior that pushed their partner away in the first place. Scorned women in new relationships are like leeches, because they feed off of the companionship of others, and rather than fixing their own hurt & pain, they look to men to fill a void, (or they look to alcohol or other substances).

Dousing The Flames

Everyone has experienced heartbreak, and unless you’ve been incredibly lucky in love, you’ve been scorned. The key to dealing with scorn is to address the hurt before moving on. This can be done through counseling, through conversations with friends and family who have healthy relationships (or who are happily single), but not through jumping into new poisonous relationships which is usually the mistake that the scorched and the scorned make.

Donnie Boyd is a High School English Teacher and she’s also Rhymefest’s personal assistant. You can find her on twitter – @engteacher. She is our resident relationship guru and will be writing a weekly blog entry about relationships.

Filed in: Uncategorized • Wednesday, September 9th, 2009

Comments

Kudos to you on this entry! Hurt people hurt people. But hopefully this article brings enlightenment to those who are scorned or helping someone else get over being scorned. The first step is recognition of an issue/problem then healing can begin.

By nicholas tunnicliffe on September 9th, 2009 at 11:43 pm

Thankyou!

By Jason Kersey on September 9th, 2009 at 11:57 pm

Very enlightening… I’m forwarding this to all of my friends now!

Kandice! I really do hope that this inspires people to heal.

Nicholas & Jason – Thanks for sharing your thoughts and for being so supportive. Please come back next week!

GREAT READ!!!! (God knows in addition to the restraining order, I wish the judge would have had my ex committed! LOL) Kudos!

Jen-

A scorned woman or man knows no bounds. Being hurt in a relationship has the ability to change the dynamics of any soul’s perspective of relationships.
I appreciate the candor put forth in this blog, however, application of sab to a wounded soul is another level and stage of experience. It takes time, unearthing and self-knowledge.
Yes, healing is imperative to recovery but that depends on the mental state of the individual as well as the individual’s history. There are so many factors to be considered when heartbreak shatters. Psychological measures are to be accounted.
In today’s society sex and promiscuity are as prevalent as racism. Morals are out of the window. Reckless doings in relationships are creating a negative stigma for the tender at heart.
I encourage scorned men and women to consider themselves and seek never to compromise who they are. Single living is good til’ one’s ready; be true to thine self.
Cathexes and anti-cathexes are pinnacle. Folk gotta get down to the grey matter of it all! Success in any relationship depends on it.
Thanks for the blog. I look forward to next week.

Hotep

I have a nice joke for you people! :) Why is an evil witch like a candle? They are both WICKED
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About

Che Smith is a revolutionary artist, writer, and activist. Popularly known as Rhymefest, the South Side Chicago native has been a trailblazer in music, television, and politics.